Have you ever felt like the entire world was against you? That everyone was working together, like a league of supervillains, to defeat you and destroy you? That people overlook and outright ignore all the good in you because it is the only way they can control you into silence and submission?
Well, that has been my life for the last year, and I honestly thought I had been working through all the feelings and dealing with them. I honestly thought I had a handle on me and was winning the battle for my soul’s sanity.
But then Thursday happened, and I had a moment.
More than a moment, actually. Almost a crisis. There were definitely tears, and they were almost unstoppable. At one point, the pain became so unbearable that all I could do was prop my elbows on my desk and hold my head in my hands, breathing and praying that I would not lose it right then and there in my office. Because if I had allowed the pain to overflow, the tears would have started and probably not stopped … it would have been ugly crying with no given end, except me running out of the office and hiding in my car. Somehow, though it took a while, I was able to pull myself together and continue with my day. But I knew the tears were shimmering in my eyes, and if anyone had looked closely enough, they would have easily seen I was not OK. I may have seemed together, but even the slightest trigger would have pushed me over the edge. I had a few other moments that day, mostly reliving that emotional moment, but I was able to keep my composure and finish the day.
I don’t know why this moment of coming unglued happened. I can only guess that the weight of life for the last year finally pressed down enough to trigger me. I know I felt the tears surface when I was talking to someone about being in a hard place at work and talking about how it was just another piece of the $#!@show that my life has become (yes, this was my exact word).
And while I was able to pull myself together, all I really wanted was 2 things: (1) to go home, curl up, and cry until there were no tears left to shed and (2) someone to empathize with me.
With all the voices telling me … yelling at me … selling me on what a horrible, hateful, dishonorable excuse of a person I seem to be, I just wanted ONE voice, one sympathetic voice, to tell me it wasn’t true. To proclaim it was mean, it was petty, it was unfair. To agree with me that it was manipulating, that it was controlling, that it was domineering.
But what my hurting heart needed more than anything was for someone to say it was WRONG.
So, I reached out to a friend of very similar faith, who wasn’t happy for my circumstances but didn’t offer any comfort. Then I reached out to a counselor, who suggested I read a popular book about setting boundaries. Again, no comfort.
At this point, I am beyond miserable and sliding toward defeat. Because I needed a word of comfort, a verbal hug, a reassurance I was not the extreme monster I was being painted to be.
But God is so good and faithful! He provided exactly what I needed in a third voice. When she wished me a happy Friday, I gave her some details on my yesterday and its dreary effects on my soul. She was immediately angry for me and with me, offering me the comfort I had desperately needed and encouraging me to take care of myself first.
And in just a few words, God sent heavenly manna raining down on this weary and hungry soul. Because where no one else seemed to care about me, she quickly defended my honor, my character, and my abilities. She made the dark and hopeless world bright and hopeful again.
She understood why I wouldn’t just walk out and abandon the company to its own stupidity. And she supports me, though we both wish we were less charismatic and more apathetic to the ways and character of God.
She did what no one else that day had done.
She made me feel seen, heard, and known.
She made me feel I was not the worst person on the planet.
She made me feel I have value and worth, especially when the world won’t see it.
She did what I need one person to do – make me feel respected. Because the world has been beating me down, blaming me for all the problems and pain. And while I am willing to own my share of anything I am part of, 100% on me is never going to be the end of the story for me. If that is the ending you want, I can live with that … but you have to live without me.
And I don’t think this friend will ever know how grateful I am for her. Because she reminded me to always try to find that one person who knows how important it is to just be there. She understood she couldn’t fix the problem, so she just needed to be present with me and sit with me as the emotions overwhelmed and almost consumed me. She may not have been there physically to hug me, but her words of both support and outrage wrapped me in compassion and comfort that I needed to smile again.
As far as the situation that set me off, I will not callously walk away and never look back. That’s not how I am wired. But I don’t plan to stick around any longer than I have to and continue to take the abuse and neglect and disrespect that seem to be the norm. I don’t plan to fight year after year for what is freely given to others. I don’t plan to repeatedly have to argue my value and worth to people who don’t know the significance of what I do and contribute. I don’t plan to demean myself by staying somewhere I am not appreciated.
As for those who I hoped would comfort me … all I can do is assume they tried the best the could in the moment but they missed the crisis cues. It is disappointing that they circumnavigated my pain instead of diving into it with me, but we are all human and we all have our limitations.
I am still standing. I am still showing up. I am still doing my best.
And I am still believing …
God is good. God has a good plan. God is working.
Even in the middle of my pain that day, I could see God already answering a specific prayer I had started praying that week – show me You parting the Red Sea (go) or show me significance (stay). In everything that happened, it was all sea. So, this may be the end of this season. I am ready for wherever God will take me next.
But wherever I go and whatever happens between now and when I get there, I will be stronger because of the sweet friend who was ready to stand next to me and beat up the bad guys. The one who begged me to tune out all the craziness and negativity and tune into what God is calling me to.
THANK YOU, FRIEND! You were exactly what I needed when I needed it. In a world of negativity, please continue to be a bright and shining light of grace. The world needs more people like you to light the way to healing and hope!
Marie Fremin. 2/27/22.
Marie's Hope 