My one permeating thought throughout this weekend has been “it’s so hard to work here.” It started with a conversation Thursday and me stating I did not understand a recent change. I asked for clarity and received a lecture on the difficulty of working with me.
And where did that leave me all weekend? Not understanding WHY it is so hard to work and communicate in my office. And asking the question – WHY is it so hard?
So many questions. No answers. No clarity. So many attitudes.
WHY is it impossible to ask a question without getting a major attitude or lecture?
WHY is information kept so secret?
WHY is wanting a little understanding and background on certain changes treated like a crime?
HOW can one be supportive of change without knowledge of issues or problems happening?
Yes, usually ignorance is bliss. But one should never be ignorant of issues or problems, especially when it effects your job performance or productivity. One should be able to ask questions and get answers. But not in my office.
WHY does executive privilege run rampant in lieu of answers or discussions?
One thought leads to another and another. And I feel myself walking on dangerous ground. I feel myself pulled into the quicksand of my emotions. And I don’t want to walk there, since it is a steep and treacherous slope to get walk up.
But I still wonder. I can’t seem to help myself. WHY is it so hard to work here?
I ask questions because I don’t understand or I sense a problem that I am not aware of. I don’t need a deep answer or big clarification. Just enough to know what is expected or if there are issues that we are fixing.
HOW come each question is taken as an attitude or rebellion instead of a desire for information and clarity?
The assumptions are wrong.
The attitude is unnecessary.
The hypocrisy is obvious. You say I am important and bring me into meetings. Yet you won’t answer questions, simple questions to clue me in. You call me difficult and chew me out in one sentence. Then you ask me for my opinions and concerns in the next.
So which is it? Am I important? Or am I just a cog in the system, an insignificant link in the chain unworthy of attention? And the question lingers still – WHY? Maybe tomorrow I will have some answers.
Marie Fremin, 8/14-16/15